Today has been a fairly typical day for me, nothing out of the ordinary.
My days and nights are filled with helping fix people’s problems; equipping them with the skills they need to fix future problems. Sometimes I help teachers, personally or with their students, friends, family and my own children.
At work, there is never a shortage of children with problems. The difficulties range from small to severe but their ability to manage these problems can range too. Something small can seem earth shattering to someone who doesn’t have the coping mechanisms to regulate their feelings.
My daily schedule is not really mine. I do have a skeleton of a schedule, but children in crisis or teachers with concerns dictate my day. It doesn’t mean that the silent voices of children are not important. The quiet children are always on my mind, but how can I reach them all? They are all so very important. I give winks with a silent wave and sneak in hugs when I can. They deserve so much more, they all do!
When I leave work I carry the stress of my job with me, the worry about the children that I didn’t get to see, the phone calls that I didn’t get to make before I left, they groups I didn’t get to plan for yet… how do I prioritize who is in the most need? How do I get a crisis to resolve quickly so that I can get to the rest of the children I wonder if the family found a place to sleep for a night, did the student bring home the bag of food from school that we supply that the parents rely on, how do I express to a teacher that I can talk to them after the students leave, and then on to my own family’s worries.
Sometimes it is just too much. I sleep very little. My gray hair is filling in more and more. As the last meeting of the day winds down, I feel the tears welling up. I can hardly speak without the tears starting to fall. The stress of having to work in a system that I feel I have little control over is stressful. Then dealing with my own life stressors, is very overwhelming. There is not enough time in my day to give all of the important people the time and attention they deserve. As I sit here typing, I am fighting to prevent the tears from falling.
Today, I am broken.
Tomorrow, I will put the shattered pieces back together and take care of everyone else. Because that is just what needs to happen.
Today I received a compliment. It was about my ability to facilitate and demonstrate leadership skills during a team meeting.
I have to be honest, it was really nice to hear. It isn't often that I received feed back on my position of department lead. We all want to do our best in our positions. So it was nice to get timely feedback about our meeting.
So, I will end my day on that positive....
In my undergraduate, I remember taking a class in Sociology, the name of the exact class escapes me. Many of the discussions focused on the idea of each decision you make leads you to different options. With each decisions you could have different outcomes, positive or negative, and leads you to the next choice. This insinuates that your life path is constantly changing based off of the decisions you make, no matter how big or small. This has always stuck with my in the twenty years since taking the class.
I really try not to complain about the path my life has taken. There are definitely things that happen that have shaped my path, sometimes down a road that I didn't foresee. I have had many amazing things that have occurred and there are failures that I am not proud of. People have entered and exited my life, serving specific purposes. I would say that each of the those experiences have helped shaped me into the person I want or don't want to be.
I have a hard time blaming others for the way things are going in my life, even if they are a contributing factor to the difficult times. I choose how I let their influence impact or not impact me. I choose to decide how to respond to these situations or people. I can only blame myself, as I choose my life.
The text still floats in my head... "Do you go to Walmart every Saturday night?"
Well, sadly, the answer is yes. I am not proud that my one night a week alone is spent at Walmart. It is very quiet there at that time, for apparent reasons. I have to be honest, it really isn't the bet night to go shopping. The shelves are usually empty and they don't always have what I need. Yet, I go every week. It needs to get done and if that means I get to sleep in on Sunday until 8 and stay in my pjs until 11. Then I will take it every week.
Although this week, I won't be shopping on Saturday night. I have much better plans.
Tonight is Ryan's first baseball game with his new team. I am so excited for him and his new team. I have no idea who they are playing but that doesn't diminish the excitement I have for him. He is going to look so grown up in his new uniform.
Ok, so I will probably end up at Walmart after the game :-)
Ahhh, St. Patrick's Day! One of my favorite fun filled holidays.
Lucas pops up out of bed and says "he was here, he was here!" Just as excited, Ryan and I follow along to see just what has been changed. The first thing that is noticed is all of the gold coins and shamrocks strewn across every room of the house. First the bathroom, he has done it again, misspelling St. Patty's day on the mirror and tp-ing the bathroom just for fun.
Then it is on to the bedroom, the mattresses are in disarray and every green shirt pulled out of their closets and wrestling guys all over the floor. The emoji pillows laid out as thought the were stepping stones for somebody during the middle of the night. Don't forget gold coins and shamrocks leading us along the path of the naughtiness that has ensued in the house.
More shamrocks and gold coins lead the path down the stairs to the main floor. There is no fort build this St. Patrick's day, but the tables on the chairs and pillows stacked remind us he was here to celebrate this special day with us! The treats we left for him are not the way WE left them, but he has since turned the all green. Oh how he likes to prank us! The cookies, rice crispy treats and bread are all now green but equally as delicious.
He never disappoints with his tricks and he never forgets to turn the dog green and pee green in our toilets too!
Oh Shamus, how we love you so! Thanks for the shenanigans and will will be on the look out for you next year!
(I know it is really Seamus, but this is how my kids spelled his name on a noted when they were little)
My friend is a writer, like actually published a book! Really she has had a few published. I think that is the neatest thing ever. I would love to write a book, but on what?
social work stuff
There are so many crazies stories or things I have learned over the years for each of those. The kind of crazy that you just can't make up and the life lessons learned the hard way too.
I wouldn't even have the first clue as to how to get started. So really it will continue to be an aspiration, something maybe for later in life. But I do think I have a lot of great stories to tell.
Today, I am tired. It was a late night celebrating Luke's birthday. Late meaning we got home at 10 last night. But then it was time to blog. This morning I was up at 4 to finish writing up a report for work. A full day of meetings, which is always to draining. A car appointment, where I could barely keep my eyes open watching a video for a class. Then basketball practice to my weekly tweet conversation for a class. My eyes are burning. Yet, I find myself still not asleep, as there is always more to get done.
For tonight, I think I am done. I am now beyond tired. The beyond tired where you can't even fall asleep. So sweet dreams!
Today is a special day, my baby boy is all grown up...well to the age of ten. I just can't believe it! At what point, did I agree that my 9.6 pound baby could now be 10 years old?
He used to be chubby, but now he is not.
He used to be blonde, but now he is not.
He used to be shy, but now he is not.
He used to fit on my lap, but now he does not.
I miss my baby, but I am in love with the little boy he has become. I look forward to the man he will become.
He is now skinny as a rail.
He is now brown haired.
He is now outgoing, yet reserved.
He is still able to partially sit on my lap.
He is his own person and I love that about him. I never thought it would be possible to love him more than the day he was born. Yet my love for him grows everyday!
Happy Birthday Lucas.
Some days are worse than others, some days are better and some are just shitty. On that really shitty day, you talk with a friend. When that friend can make you crack up with one sentence.
"Whose tires you need me to slash? Cause I got you girl!"
That's all it took. Those two sentences to feel loved and supported. She didn't even know what it meant to me. Instantly, my almost tears quickly became tears of laughter. There was no question that I could possibly be at fault, none at all. It was complete and total support with just a few words.
Thank you for always putting a smile on my face whether you mean to or not.
My boys are growing up so fast. They are growing into young men. My times of doing mommy kinda of things are starting to dwindle. Holding hands with my oldest son still happens, but not as often. Snuggling to watch a movie still happens, but not as often. Asking me to tickle their back before bed still happens but not as often.
But today, I held my youngest in my arms as he slept. (Too little sleep last night) Now laying in my bed tickling his brother's back. I'll take them both and cherish each moment. They are mine to have and no one else's.
Every morning I wake them sweetly with hugs and kisses. They greet me everyday after work in the same loving manner. At bed time, they ask if I will tuck them in and the answer is always "of course."
These two rays of sunshine fill my heart so much. I am so lucky to be there mommy!