Tonight we are celebrating Luke's 10th birthday with five of his buddies. I have a total of 7 boys, including boy of my guys. As every parent dropped their loved one off, they wished me lots of luck. They joked about how they would never want this many kids in their house for a sleepover.
I have always thought that if you have one extra what are a few more. They kind of cancel each other out, don't they? They started out yelling out of excitement to just be around each other. Most of them have been friends since kindergarten and have been in class with each other more years than not. This is exactly what I hoped for, a group of boys that befriend my kids and grow up together. The other parents of course want the same thing for their kids. They are great parents and their kids are awesome! To help prepare for the party Lucas wanted me to plan nothing, "I just want to play with my friends." Ok sounds good to me, although I know there needs to be some structure to the chaos that will ensue. I filled mason jars with all of Luke's favorite candies. This way they can guess how much is in each jar and the winner takes the whole jar home. Yes, I counted out each of the skittles, gummy bears, sour patch kids watermelon flavor, life savers, and Swedish Fish one by one. My amazing mother made a birthday cake that was DELICIOUS! They have already had a Nerf war that has spanned three floors of the house. Happy Birthday has been sung and cake has been eaten. There is a lot of left over pizza, I always order too much. Hide and seek has been played and now some are reviewing the zillions of baseball cards that are in this house. This is the quietest they have been all night. I have already forewarned that time changes tonight. That was a total coincidence, l swear I had no idea. The clock already reads 10:40 pm, but really it is still only 9:40. These kids play hard, so some are already getting tired. Some PJs are on and I have opened up the movie to get it ready. It is feeling like it will be an earlier bed time than I expected. But I wonder how early that means they will be up???? Sleep well boys!
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Forget you At&t. You suck! You have wasted another hour or more of my life to ultimately have no resolution. So you decided to give me back $42 due to charging me the discounts I used to have before I changed my plan. I was trying to lower my bill, yet it is higher this month???
Thank you for compensating the $42, that I won't see until another month from now, since it can't be applied to this bill. So here I sit here waiting for answers to be answered. I am being charged for last month prorated services, plus next months services, OMG! WHAT THE WHAT!!! I WANT MY TIME AND MONEY BACK!!! We will see what next month's bill brings!! When I walk into any event with my children, whether it's a birthday party, school event, really anywhere, I scan the room. I'm not looking at the decorations or even the people who are there. I'm looking to see what kind of food is there. Not for the reasons you think. I'm looking to see what I have plan for and keep my son safe from. He has food allergies, not the kind that just upset your stomach. The kind that will kill you. He is allergic to several things, dairy, eggs, some tree nuts and peanuts.
So when I enter somewhere with him, all I see are allergens. I don't expect that everyone will understand the eminent fear that I have when food is envolved. I see the child who ate ice cream who didn't wash their hands after eating and fear they will touch my child. He has to ingest the allergen to require his epipen. But is there isresidue somewhere and if gets on his hands, he touches his eye, then his eye starts to swell. Or the child who brought Doritos to school and then touched the railing. Ugh! We don't live in a bubble. We have always managed his alleries very well, he knows them, wears his epipen and is an advocate for himself. I am the parent who has taught his son not to touch the railings and open a push door with his elbow. Food allergies have taken a toll on me. I worry. I worry for his future, for things that most others don't have too. I worry about his first kiss and pray that he knows she couldn't have eaten his allergens. I worry that he is ALWAYS diligent about reading labels as we are together. I worry about his teenage and college years, I can't always be there for him to protect him. Those years have the highest deaths of children with food allergies. I love him so much! I am certain I have created an anxiety discorder for myself due to this worry. But he is worth it. He is so brave. He owns his allergies and is remarkabley proud of them. He says they make him who he is. I tell him that God new he would a messanger to bring awareness and he is just that a messanger. I can tell that being around food outside of our house makes him nervous. You may not be able to tell, but I can. If he declines your nice spread, even though you have reassured him it's safe, please don't be offended. He is doing his job of being safe. People who don't walk in our shoes have the best of intentions, but a little oversight can cost him his life. He will always accept Oreos, those are safe for him! (I always double check when I buy a new pack, just to be safe!!) Tonight, I am rushing to participate in my Twitter Chat class, working, eating dinner, thinking about this blog and washing some clothes. All of which is occurring after 8 pm. There was no time after work to get any of that done before basketball practices. But it has to get done, otherwise, I wont get credit for my classes, I will be starving and cranky, I will have more work tomorrow and there will be no clean clothes for my children - who seem to wear more clothes in a day than I do!
With all of this going on, my oldest son offers to make me Spagettios for dinner. How kind is it that he knows I can't veer my eyes away from the twitter chat for a second or I will be lost! Then as I tuck them in for the night, I stop in between rooms to sort the laundry. My youngest asks if he could help me and can I give him some chores. He is asking me while he is filling my diffuser with the perfect mixture of oils to help me sleep. I's sure he would like to be paid for his chores, but I will just relish in that he helped me sort the laundry and started it. These two are never lacking with love and support for this busy Mommy. Of course I am biased with my opinion of my boys, but I am just so proud of them. I know that they are not perfect and I am far from perfect. But this mom is working hard at raising someone else's future husbands, which is an important job. I love doing it! Last month, I called my cell phone carrier, who happens to be my cable company too. I saw there was a significant increase to my bill. Of course I had to call and speak with at least 4 different people. This happens every year or two, when all of the "special" deals end on your services. Why oh why is this necessary?
It frustrates me to no end! So when I called last month and started to rant about the increase in my services. I end up getting rid of one cellular line, reduced my cable channels, reduced my data package to a better deal. Great right? I should have reduced my bill my bill significantly for this next payment. However, that wasn't the case at all. How can that be? Actually it is MORE! WHAT? So I pull out my notes from the last phone call, when I spoke to a zillion different people. I have a pen in hand and start the automated prompt process. Only to find that billing is closed! I guess they aren't open late, some customer service they have. I think they want to discourage from calling at the customers services when it is convenient for customers. Sigh... I'll try again tomorrow. I grew up with dogs my entire childhood. They are a lot of work and responsibility. So I said that I didn't want any pets; it is hard enough to keep up with my children. My kids have always wanted to have a dog. Each time they asked, I held a firm NO! I feel like we are always busy with sports, going places, quite frankly we just don't have time! So it's still a no. I don't want to take on all that comes along with a dog. We all know who ends up with all the responsibility, the mom. I say "NO THANK YOU!"
Lucas looked at me one day with the sweetest of sweet voices and said, "I just want a pet that I can snuggle and it will love me back," Well, who can resist that? Needless to say, we got a puppy, next month my princess, Dakota, turns three. I know I said no to dogs, but I faultered, I did. Yet now, I couldn't imagine my life with out my girl. She is the sweetest dog I have ever owned. I love her pieces and we argue about who loves her the most. She is like having another child that we have to devote our time too, but I don't mind. Now, I am the crazy dog lady who wants to bring her little dog everywhere! Everyone who meets her instantly falls in love with her giant brown eyes, kind spirit and her love of licking ears. Today was her spa day, she is so pretty. I have received a few picture updates from my mom this week about my grandmother. Each picture shows a more despondent person, someone who may be giving up on life. It's so hard so see this once heartfelt woman slipping away in front of me. I realize that she is ninety five and that she has lived a full life, but she is still my Grams. I am pained to hear my mom say that her mother doesn't recognize her as her daughter but as a someone she doesn't even know. My mom is lost.
I saw her today. I know she doesn't remember me, but I still caress her hand, say hi to her and offer her an ice cream cone. It's her favorite. I watch her slowly eat her ice cream, struggling to enjoy her favorite treat. As I lower myself to be at her level so she can see me, I tell her "I love you Grandma." She looks me in the face and says "I love you too." For one moment we were grandmother and granddaughter sharing a moment. Tears streamed as I left her. It's early morning and I hear my mom say "Michelle, I'm gonna need your help." Naturally, I figure she needs help with my grandma who is staying with me. So, I pop out of bed, unsure of the time but know it is early, it's still dark out. I quickly go to the bathroom and walk into my mom's bathroom and ask "what can I help you with?" Only to find her sitting with her head cocked back and to the left. Her mouth is slightly a jar, breathing in a way that sounds unfamiliar to me. It sounds raspy and labored with each breath, not typical. I call her name, "Mom, Mom!" I put my hand on her shoulder to gently shake her and then the breathing stops. I stare at her chest. Telling myself "breathe, just breathe." It feels like and eternity, so I took my fist a rubbed her chest in a way to stimulate her breathing. Thinking she is having a stroke. She started mumbling incoherently. 911 is the only option.
We are in crisis now, I'm good at crisis, so I think. I'm calm, call 911 and give them her information. Now into action I go. Grab the dog to put her outside, close my bedroom door to minimize what my children, who are peacefully sleeping in my bed, are exposed too. I need to protect them so they aren't forever scared from seeing their grandmother in this condition. As I put the dog outside, unlock the front door, I see my grandmother dressed and in the bathroom. Her walker is in proximity, but she needs help. I start to walk with her towards the family room, still picturing my moms face. Now I understand why my mom wanted me. Grandma is struggling to walk. I need to help them both now. In my head, I'm wondering do I need a second ambulance for her? I need to get back to my mom, Grandma is trying to walk but not moving. Staring at the chair I want her in as though I could move it closer by glaring at it, but I can't. The phone beeps, it's Jackie, "what do you need?" She sees the ambulance in the driveway. "I need you here!" EMS opens the door, they are my life line. As they walk in and see me struggling with my grandmother, I quickly say "not this one" and give them directions upstairs to my mom. My calm nature evades me for a moment as I burst into tears and say "I just need her to sit!" One of the paramedics gently and kindly help Grandma into a chair at the kitchen table. Jackie walks in the door. My calm is restored. How is all of this happening at the same time? I'm not ready to lose my mom, I'm just not ready. I'm back to calm and focused, EMS is checking on my mom, now back to the action plan. Call my sister in law to get my brother in route to the hospital, she will also call my sister, get Grandma's medicines together, grab clothes for mom, medical cards, what else? What else? I call my uncle to get my grandmother. Ok, now I can tell my children, but what should I say? I don't want them to feel the shear panic that I am feeling on the inside. "Grandma was having trouble breathing so I called 911 just as a precaution to make sure she is OK." I get a thumbs up and they roll over. Whew! On the way to the hospital, my grandmother is struggling to get in my uncle's car. She needs to go to the hospital too. It seems to have been the perfect storm. A mother and her daughter both taken to the hospital within minutes of each other! The longest few minutes of my life. My neighbor, Jackie, is one of my best friends. There is nothing better than having a best friend also be your neighbor. This gives us the luxury to have frequent talks even if it is in passing. We adore each others children, well so I think she does. LOL We are there for each other during difficult times and through the best moments.
We hang out in our driveways daily while our children play. She kindly pokes fun at me because I call everyone "friend" or that tell her " I have a book for that." I really do have a book for everything! My kids will say "Mom, Jackie is outside, aren't you going to come out and talk?" Like it is an expectation. They will say the opposite if they want to go somewhere or do something with me since we never have a shortage of things to talk about. We have gotten to know each other, see each other interact with our children, discuss our thoughts on school and life. She and I spend time talking about our kids problems, struggles that we are having with the school or other life situations. At one point, we were talking through a problem and she turned to me and said "are you SW'ing me?" "SW'ing," WHAT is that? Apparently, I was "social working" through a problem with her and had frequently done with the kids prior. Surely I didn't realize how often I "SW" things. So now it is a long standing laugh that we have..."Did you SW that?" often finds its way into our conversations. Now, the tables have turned. it is my turn to say to her "great job SW'ing that!" Apparently, being a social worker doesn't end when I leave work. When your child begins playing a sport, you never realize how intertwined our lives will become with the sport. My son has played baseball since he was four. He started baseball as a little boy who would watch the ball roll right past him in the field as though he was a spectator. He would have the look of who is supposed to get that ball? As he has grown, so have his skills, he no longer watches the ball roll by, he attacks it. He plays his heart out at every practice and game. At the same time, I feel as though I am part of him playing the game, growing with him. I am part of his celebrations and crying inside with his failures. Baseball is a main part of our life, starting in the spring until the end of July every year. Over the past six years we have lovingly become part of a “baseball family.” Our baseball family is our second family; you are with them at least five days a week at the field. Then there are the sleepovers, pool parties, and fun outings. They are the people who make sitting through the games that you are losing a 17-0 tolerable and the people you want to be with when they clinch the big win. They are family.
This year my son is starting a new adventure with a new travel baseball team. He is one of two kids that are new to this team. I can only imagine his excitement, fear and anxiety. He definitely has the skill and ability to enhance this team. The coaches have been amazingly kind, caring and encouraging. All the things that a mom and social worker love to see and hear. The head coach happens to be a teacher and he is constantly talking about how they are not there “YET.” Again, as a mom and social worker, I am loving the growth mindset they are promoting. The kids are welcoming and encouraging to my son and all of the kids on the team are supportive of each other. At this point, definitely better than expected. Each week, I am feeling the same feelings that he is having, excitement, fear and anxiety. But why? So many thoughts run constantly through my head, will they accept him? Will they understand him like his other coaches? Will he make friends? Will they like me? Will they accept me? Will I make friends? Wait. When did the tables turn, how did it become about me? Was it when he was trying out, that I was sizing up what I was in for? When looking for a new team, you are focusing on what will be the best fit for your child as a young athlete. You want to make sure that the coach will be supportive and nurturing. Well, I found that. Thinking about his first team, they weren’t just my son’s baseball family, they were mine too! Sitting at the first practice is when it became real. Watching my son quietly watch his new team mates and me sitting by myself. Thinking about how I would be losing MY baseball family. I wonder if I could ever feel the same about our “new” baseball family. I love my first “baseball family,” I can’t imagine our first games without them – the first practice was hard enough. How could they ever be replaced? Simply stated, they can never be replaced. We watched out kids grow into the young athletes they are now. I miss my friends at every practice, it feels different. Now “we” have to figure out our place on this team, without losing our “first” baseball family. |
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